Thy Outward What?
by P.H. Wise
Summary: A spamfic parody. Ranma is stuck in female form, searching for the kaisuifuu. A boy named Ken wants to have sex with her. Will she get it before he gets her? Stay right there, and I'll show you!


Thy Inward What?  
by P.H. Wise  
A Ranma ½ spamfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma. That would be Rumiko Takahashi. I'm not writing this for profit. I also don't own any of those 'Ranma gets stuck as a girl and comes to like it' fics, nor would I want to. A word of warning: this story is somewhat vulgar at the beginning. Still, I doubt it would receive a rating any worse than your average PG-13 Teenaged Sex Comedy. But if such things offend you, feel free to skip the opening paragraph.

With all apologies to Richard Lawson.

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Once upon a time, Ranma Saotome, the aquatransexual martial artist of the Nerima ward of Tokyo, got pregnant by one Tatewaki Kuno. In fact, he got pregnant in the ass. Men have wombs in their asses, you see. It's a little known fact, but it's absolutely, one hundred percent true, I assure you. He had mood swings. He had cravings. He laughed. He cried. He watched his ass inflate to epic proportions. And nine months later, he shit out a baby.

And then he woke up screaming.

The dreams had been getting worse since he, currently a she, had been locked in female form. And although she had searched high and low for the kaisuifuu, her efforts in finding the open water kettle had thus far been unsuccessful.

She was beginning to get depressed.

Of course, that guy who kept following her around didn't help much.

Speak of the devil. There he was, waiting on the street corner. She didn't really remember his name. Ken something. But he was REALLY starting to annoy her.

"There you are!" Ken exclaimed, rushing over towards the pig-tailed girl. "I've been looking everywhere for you!"

"Persistent, ain't 'cha?"

Ken nodded, his eyes shining. "I've never felt this way about anyone! Ranma, I want to have sex with you. I love you. I would date with you."

"No," Ranma said, glaring daggers at the idiot-boy.

"But I really, really want to have sex with you!"

"No."

Crestfallen, Ken walked away, his shoulders slumped, and his face downcast. But he'd be back. He was ALWAYS back. At first she'd tried beating him to a pulp the first few times he'd come on to her, but that only got him talking endlessly about violence, and asking whether the first hit was any more satisfying than the second, and was she sure she wouldn't reconsider sleeping with him? She'd eventually just taken to giving him a firm 'no,' and she supposed that she might try ignoring him if that proved ineffective.

Ranma let out an involuntary shudder.

Time passed, as it is wont to do, and in the fullness of that time, Ranma did find the kaisuifuu. After an epic battle with Herb, the dragon-blooded prince (then princess) of the Musk dynasty in the Jusenkyou valley, Ranma Saotome came out on top (so to speak). Grinning a triumphant grin, she held up the kaisuifuu and prepared to splash herself with it.

"Ranma, there you are!" Ken called.

"Look, GO AWAY!" Ranma said. "I ain't a girl. I'm a guy who's cursed to become a girl when I'm splashed with cold water. I've been stuck in girl form for months now, and I've FINALLY found the way to unlock my curse. I AIN'T interested in having sex with you!" Ranma splashed himself with the water from the kaisuifuu, unlocking his male form for the first time in months (though he was still a she for the moment).

Ken listened thoughtfully. "Yes, but I still love you. And I really, REALLY want to have sex with you. Won't you at least consider it?"

Ranma grit her teeth.

"Please?" Ken asked.

"Fine. I'll consider it." She put on a show of considering it, and of being very thoughtful. "Look at me, considering it! OK, I've considered it. NO."

Ken sulked.

Ranma left.

And Herb? Herb watched the goings on with a bemused look. She wouldn't wish that kind of fate on anyone. Leisurely, she reached for the kaisuifuu so as to unlock her own curse and return to male form.

A moment later, she became aware of Ken, staring at her with a pouting puppy dog look on his face.

"Oh hell no," said Herb.

THE END

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Author's notes: Actually, Thy Outward Part is one of the better Ranma fanfics out there, even if it did cause me some significant sanity loss. Still, it's always fun to poke fun at other people's work. Especially when everyone and their mother has written a derivative story.


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